


Stowaway

by BunheadKitKat19



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s12e05 Fugitive of the Judoon, Episode: s12e07 Can You Hear Me?, Every ship with the Doctor I cannot in good conscience not use the "other" category, F/F, Gallifrey, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Not Quite Spoilers, Other, Psychological Trauma, Survivor Guilt, The Master (Mentioned) - Freeform, based off information revealed in 12x05, based off information revealed in 12x07, not quite post episode bc that was a LOT, self doubt, the Doctor and the Master (mentioned), the comfort isn't all that much and it's not happening soon lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:47:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22458211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BunheadKitKat19/pseuds/BunheadKitKat19
Summary: When the three humans go back to their day-to-day lives, where does the Doctor go? Yaz is certain that something happened with the Master that the Doctor is hiding from them, and whatever it is, she knows it can't be good. What she doesn't know is just how awful it all is.That is, until she does.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 128
Kudos: 158





	1. Cracks in the Wall

**Author's Note:**

> My impulsive brain had a horrible, horrible thought, and so this ensued. MY FIRST CHAPTER FIC!

Ever since their run-in with The Master, things haven’t been the same. The humans could tell that the Doctor was deeply affected by the events of those days. Between her moods, defensive retorts, and defiance to reveal anything else about her past, the Master surely did a number on her. They were worried, but every time they tried to offer any help or support, the Doctor just kept shutting them out. 

“If she goes on this way, I don’t know how much longer I can stay,” Ryan admitted to Graham and Yaz, as they were exploring a New Earth market place. The Doctor had dropped them off about an hour ago. She was supposed to be back right now, but there was no sign of her yet. “I mean, I’d hate to leave all this behind, but how does she expect us to keep trusting her with her life when she won’t trust us with anything?” Ryan huffed, bringing his hands behind his head. The trio glanced at one another, unsure of what was to come. No one wanted to admit Ryan was right, but they couldn’t disagree with him either. 

“Oh, there you lot are!” The Doctor exclaimed with a cheery voice and a big smile, acting as if she were immune to the heaviness of the group in front of her. A forced smile, Yaz noted. She could see it in the Doctor’s eyes. She glanced at her watch: the Doctor was fifteen minutes later than she said she would be. For a time-traveler, the Doctor sure seemed to lose track of it quite often. Yaz opened her mouth, but then closed it. She couldn’t confront the Doctor without getting shot down, not until she had more information. So everyone silently agreed. That conversation about the Doctor? Never happened. 

Yaz was always mystified by the Doctor, ever since she came crashing into her life. She wanted to learn everything she could about the woman, which was a task far more difficult than she ever anticipated. For someone who seems to always wear her heart on a sleeve, or hearts, seeing as the Doctor had two of them, she was very secretive of her past. Luckily, this was where Yaz’s police officer training finally became useful, because it wasn’t getting her far in her career just yet. 

Yaz had been keeping a closer eye on the Doctor than the others would have ever thought to. So after their run-in with O, the Master, for every one thing that Graham and Ryan worried about, Yaz worried three times over. The Doctor would leave them on planets, claiming to return quickly but always running late. She forced her smiles. She’d get distracted, fiddling with the TARDIS controls and forgetting about the rest of the world. She also stopped looking Yaz in the eye. While they were working together to come up with miracle saves, sure they looked at each other, but not when it mattered. Maybe the Doctor knew that Yaz could read her too well. There was something else going on, Yaz could tell. Something more than what they witnessed when she banished the Master to that other universe. The Doctor was shaken, of course, but her spirit hadn’t shattered just yet. Something else had happened. Whatever it was, Yaz was sick of the Doctor’s incessant walls, and she was determined to slip through their cracks or else tear them to the ground. 

Their visit to New Earth was relatively tame, especially compared to some of their other past escapades. Nothing suspicious was going on, which itself was a bit suspicious, but after some poking around and chatting with locals, they realized it was just a regular day. For the people there, at least. Someone recognized the TARDIS, and excited chatter about some miracle healer waved throughout the crowds. Yaz figured that the Doctor had come here before and helped them once, and was just stopping by to check-in. Or maybe make sure that something else wasn’t happening. In all their travels, the Doctor had never mentioned any of their visits to be returning trips and didn’t give any signs that this was different, so Yaz couldn’t be too sure. When they returned to the TARDIS, she slipped out of the console room and into her room, almost unable to bear the heavy presence of her friends. 

“Alright, back home now,” The Doctor’s voice floated from the console room. Yaz stood up to leave, but then stopped herself. 

“See ya, Doc,” Graham called. No response except for the various chimes of pushed buttons on the TARDIS console. Yaz heard an incoherent but clearly disgruntled mumble from Ryan. Once the two stepped out of the TARDIS, the doors slammed shut behind them. Yaz gulped. Did the Doctor know she was still on board?

“GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” she heard the Doctor’s wounded cries, followed by a loud banging that slowly faded away. 

“Where ARE YOU???” The Doctor screamed. There was no answer. Yaz hadn’t moved a muscle but could hear everything from the console room. Even the slightest huffs of breath, which the Doctor finally let out after fifteen seconds of deafening silence. 

“Oh, don’t you keep doing this to me, Master, I know you’re out there somewhere. You have to be… I can’t be alone. Not again…” Yaz wanted to move, to remind the Doctor that she didn’t have to be alone, that she had herself and Graham and Ryan to turn to, that they were a family. She even tried to take a small step. But something held her back. Curiosity, she blamed. The Doctor’s walls were finally down, and Yaz needed to know what was behind them. 

“I got your message,” the Doctor continued. “I’ve been at it for MONTHS. And I’m no closer to making sense of any of it. Going back… it feels pointless.” Yaz could hear the shakiness of the Doctor’s breathing. 

“Why did you have to burn it all down?” A whisper. A whimper. 

Yaz forced her legs to bring her to the doorway, but she stopped. Why bother looking? Whatever she would see would only further break her human heart.

The Doctor shuffled around in the console room, fiddled with the TARDIS, and then the familiar sounds of adventure rang, but they rang a bit different. They were not the call to adventure that Yaz had grown to cherish. They also sounded almost off-key, as if something about their next destination was different from the whole wide universe.

The TARDIS landed after a minute of travel, and the same eerie silence flooded the ship. The Doctor’s slow, soft, yet heavy steps echoed through the halls. The TARDIS doors squeaked as they were pushed open, slowly sending shivers through Yaz’s spine. She waited for the inevitable slam of the doors swinging shut, but it never came. Instead, the Doctor’s footsteps faded into the silence. 

Yaz tiptoed out of her room. Sneaking around the ship that felt more like a home than the building she lived in on Earth. A part of her screamed that this was all wrong. It was silenced by what Yaz saw when she peeked outside to where the Doctor was standing, facing away. 

A world of ash and dust. A once proud city, still in fumes. Rubble as far as the eye can see. Two suns in the distance spilled blood in the sky, their light swallowed by clouds of smoke. Yaz screamed in horror, but the sound was stolen along with her ability to breathe. Heart pounding and head spinning, she ran to the console. One word on the screen confirmed the young woman’s worst fears.

“Gallifrey…”

No wonder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IDK how many chapters there will be, because I have no idea how much I'm going to draw out certain things. Also, I don't know when I'm going to update this (but it will definitely happen in the next week or so). Maybe there's just one more chapter, maybe there's more like three. Or maybe inspiration will strike and this ends up being much longer.  
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed. Comments are ALWAYS appreciated!


	2. Words Win Nothing At All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness thank you all for the love and support!!! I am so grateful to you all. Despite being sick, I managed to get this out in less than a week, and all the encouraging comments really helped! And yes, now I know where this is going.

Deep breath, Yaz reminded herself. Just go to her. Oh, but should she? Or should she let the Doctor believe that she is alone, that Yaz is oblivious to the dark clouds over her head? No, no. The Doctor’s been keeping them all in the dark, and it stung. She wasn’t going to do the same thing.  
  
Holding to the consoles for support, Yaz trudged on. She could feel her chest tightening in a fight against the smoke and the weight of the world in front of her. Breathing became a chore. Maybe this isn’t worth it, Yaz wondered. The Doctor has her reasons, even if she’s being an idiot, and you can always be there for her when she’s ready to open up. But Yaz knew the Doctor too well. She would keep going, pretending everything is fine, even if it ended up killing her. Yaz had to do something. So with a heavy sigh, she finally stepped out of the TARDIS onto the rusted world.  
  
The young woman paused, still stunned by her surroundings, unsure if she’ll ever be able to take it all in. That must be why she keeps coming back... The Doctor was hunched over one knee, rummaging through broken relics of the past. Relics of her own history or those of lives she’d never met, Yaz couldn’t tell. It hurt all the same.  
  
The TARDIS doors swung shut behind her, startling both women. The Doctor instinctively turned her head. Her reddened, blotchy face was covered in soot and dust. She looked Yaz in the eye. Big, sad eyes, shielded in half a second with a veil of furry.  
  
“Doctor, I-” Yaz stammered, trying to get her thoughts out, while not even being sure of what to think. The Doctor just glared.  
  
“You shouldn’t be here,” The Doctor eventually replied, turning her attention back to the rubble.  
  
“Sorry,” Yaz muttered with an annoyed tone that betrayed her frustration with the Doctor. The Doctor wiped her face with the sleeve of her coat and sniffed, ignoring the woman’s presence.  
  
“I am sorry, truly,” Yaz corrected, hoping that this time she sounded genuine. Because she truly meant it, but there were so many emotions and thoughts swirling in her head that maybe they weren’t all coming out the way she’d hoped. She dared to step closer to the Doctor, who had stopped sifting through everything and was fixated on a small object she held in her hand.  
  
“I heard you speaking in the TARDIS,” She went on when she realized that the Doctor wasn’t going to say anything. “The Master did this, didn’t he.” It was less of a question than it was a way to show the Doctor that she wasn’t so in the dark.  
  
“It doesn’t matter…” The Doctor muttered. Yaz’s jaw dropped, eyes wide in disbelief.  
  
“Doesn’t matter?!” Of COURSE it matters!” She practically screamed at the Doctor. “How could you say something so stupid? Everything matters, you showed me that yourself.”  
  
“Why?” The Doctor barely choked out. “Why does any of it matter, when everything turns to dust in the end. Why should I even care? Because no matter what I do, it’ll all crumble away in time, and I’ll be left to walk in the ruins. Everything. Planets. People. You. Look around. This is what we’re all doomed to become. Soon you’ll be nothing but dust. Might as well just accept it.”  
  
Yaz felt her blood boiling. The woman who showed her all the wonders of life, the woman who restored hope to lost people all over the universe, the woman who time and time again would always keep fighting no matter the odds, and now she was giving up?  
  
“Oh don’t you dare, Doctor,” Yaz yelled, storming towards the Doctor. “You don’t get to say that nothing matters. That I don’t matter. I’ve always known that you could be an idiot at times, but this…” she trailed off, realizing that she was practically towering over the crouching Timelord. The Doctor dropped whatever object was in her hand to push herself off the ground, and turned to finally face her companion.  
  
“What more do you want from me?” The Doctor said wearily. “You wanted to visit my home? Well, here ya go! You got your wish. Anything else I can do for you?” As the Doctor’s voice grew, so did Yaz’s frustration.  
  
“Well, why not telling me the truth, for a start?”  
  
The Doctor gulped at Yaz’s aggressive tone yet stoic demeanor. She had no words left to give.  
  
“The silent treatment. Because of all the years you’ve been around, how many years really?” Yaz's weak laughter was harsh and cold. “I don’t even know how old you are,” She shook her head at the ground with a broken smile.  
  
“I don’t know either,” The Doctor whispered. Yaz tilted her head up ever so slightly, just enough to look back at the Doctor. All their time together, and finally the Doctor was opening up to her, even if it was small. It was a start.  
  
Yaz noticed the Doctor fiddling with her thumbs in the absence of a TARDIS console to mess with. She grabbed the woman’s hands in reassurance.  
  
“You don’t have to be alone, Doctor. Because you aren’t. You’ve got us, you’ve got me. So please, please, just stop pretending like you are.” The Doctor snatcher her hands back and turned to face the burning city.  
  
“That’s where you’re wrong.”  
  
Yaz stepped back. She could feel how hot her face was, and the tears that were forming in her eyes. Maybe the Doctor is a lost cause… If only Yaz had any reason to hope she was wrong.  
  
“I thought I loved you, Doctor,” Yaz admitted. “But... I guess I don’t know you at all.” She wanted to reach out to her friend one last time, but they were both so lost. In defeat, Yaz retreated to the TARDIS. The Doctor had given up hope, given up on hope itself. She was lost in her despair, and there was nothing Yaz could say that would make any difference.  
  
She placed her hand on the TARDIS door. Oh, what a marvelous ship the TARDIS was. The Ghost Monument. A window to impossibilities she never dared to dream before the Doctor crashed into her life. Yaz felt the familiar surge of adrenaline rushing through her body like any other time she’d see the TARDIS outside her apartment. Her heartbeat quickened. Everywhere the TARDIS went, they brought hope, even in the most desperate of times. Maybe the Doctor had given up on that, but she wouldn’t. Not for a million years.  
  
She turned back toward the Doctor, placing her hand on her hips, standing her ground. The Doctor was facing the fuming city, just like when Yaz first stepped out of the TARDIS.  
  
“Actually,” Yaz said, loud enough to know that the Doctor could hear her every word. “This conversation isn’t over yet. You know, you still haven’t answered my question. Who are you? And give a real answer this time, not some bullet point list like you did after our run-in with the Master.” The whole time she’d been striding towards the Doctor, not completely registering her actions until she found herself directly behind the Doctor, who still had her back to her. She rolled her eyes and exhaled.  
  
“Who are you?” She heard herself ask again.  
  
Nothing.  
  
And then everything happened at once. Unsure of what came over her, Yaz tried to pull the stubborn Doctor to face her, truly face her, even just once. The Doctor flung her arm out as if she were simply swatting at some fly, hitting Yaz in the stomach and knocking the wind right out of her. Yaz staggered back, using all her strength to keep from passing out. The Doctor turned her head towards Yaz, still avoiding her gaze.  
  
“You want to know who I am?” The Doctor began, slowly walking towards Yaz who could only keep stepping back. “I’m a damn Timelord. We were once the most respected and feared species in all existence, and the heart of our lives was right here on this bloody planet. I grew up here, was trained here, and didn’t care for any of it. So when I got my chance, I ran away from it all. I wanted to see the marvelous world. Instead, it brought me right back here.” The Doctor was practically screaming out to the universe, arms flailing wildly about. Yaz had backed right into the TARDIS when the Doctor grabbed her wrists and pinned her against the door.  
  
“WHO AM I?” The Doctor demanded, tears streaming down her face. Yaz looked up at the Doctor in horror. Three hearts racing against each other. The Doctor’s hot breath brushed Yaz’s cheeks. Yaz saw the Doctor’s eyes widen in shock of what she had just done, and she loosened her grip on Yaz’s wrists. Yaz let out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding.  
  
“Just look around. There’s your answer.” Yaz turned her attention to the ruin. It was destroyed, beyond any hope of saving. It was lifeless. It was nothing. You really think that little of yourself? Yaz was too afraid to ask aloud. She didn’t need to.  
  
The Doctor abruptly stepped back and let go of Yaz all together, gazing at the ground.  
  
“Get in the TARDIS.”  
  
Yaz didn’t need to be told twice. How terribly wrong this had all gone down, and how foolish she had been thinking that she could make a difference. The Doctor was many things, but Yaz was a fool for thinking she would get to know them all.  
  
She turned back to the door and pushed. The door didn’t move at all. She tried again, but the TARDIS wouldn’t budge. Yaz slowly turned around and shook her head. The message was clear.  
  
Neither of them were leaving Gallifrey anytime soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this has to be the most angsty thing I've written in a while, if not ever. Honestly, her snapping is based on the way I snap at the people I love when I'm hurting. While none of my personal pain even comes close to the Doctor's trauma, I recognize a lot of what I do in her character. I'm normally light-hearted, bubbly and optimistic, but when I'm in pain I push people away and try to pretend like nothing is wrong, even without realizing. I get snappy and rude and sarcastic, and that can sometimes get directed at the people I love. It takes a lot of persistence on other people's part to get me to open up at times, and when I finally do open up it all pours out at once, all the while I'm still lashing at the people I love. I'm working on myself though, so this is happening a lot less. 
> 
> On a slightly less serious note, it bad that I almost wrote in "this is NOT how Yaz wanted the Doctor to pin her to the TARDIS" in that one scene?


	3. Not a Good Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one! (I did a word count, it's about three times longer than the others lol).

The Doctor fumbled, feeling through what seemed like hundreds of pockets that fit impossibly in her coat. No luck. A human mistake, locking her keys inside her vehicle. She closed her eyes, mentally kicking herself. She charged at the TARDIS, banging desperately at its doors. 

“Come on! It’s me, let me in!” 

Throughout her various travels with the Doctor, Yaz came to understand that the TARDIS almost had a mind of its own. Of her own, the Doctor would correct. The TARDIS’s stubborn refusal to comply with the Doctor gave Yaz a sense of pride. It wasn’t letting the Doctor run from this conversation, not this time. 

“I don’t think that’s gonna work, Doctor,” Yaz reached out to pat her friend’s shoulder but froze, still in shock from her sudden aggression. She decided to simply walk away. 

The Doctor huffed, giving in to the inevitable. She turned and leaned back against the TARDIS to face Yaz, who was walking straight towards the Citadel, clearly unsure with her surroundings. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” She challenged the young woman. Yaz swiveled to face the Doctor once more. She wasn’t going anywhere. 

The Doctor slid down the TARDIS so that she was seated, facing the burning Citadel and the two setting suns. Yaz had never seen her look so small. The Doctor, always with her big gestures and personality, bombastic adventures and rousing speeches, now quiet and still. Yaz’s chest grew tight, and what else could she do but sit by her friend’s side?

The two women sat together in silence. Yaz wanted to say something, but she couldn’t even know where to begin. 

“I’m sorry,” The Doctor blurted out. The young woman turned her head. The Timelord’s blonde hair fell over her eyes, but Yaz could see the streaks of tears running down her face. 

“Just talk to me,” Yaz pleaded. “I’m not going anywhere.” Her frustration with the Doctor’s avoidance clashed with her genuine care, but whichever the Doctor heard, it was enough to get the woman to finally open up. 

The Doctor laughed wearily. “Where would I even begin?” Yaz ran through all the question marks in her mind. About Gallifrey, the Time Lords, the Master, the Doctor’s personal history… 

“How about your childhood? What was that like?” The Doctor looked up with the faintest smile that quickly faded away when the present reality caught up with her. 

“Oh, I wish you could see what it was like. Gallifrey was beautiful,” The Doctor reminisced. “On the outside, at least. The inside, not quite so beautiful at times…” She continued, echoing her words from almost a thousand years before. Back when she thought she had destroyed Gallifrey during the Time War, that she was alone but had just reunited with the Master, who was still plagued with the sound of the drums. But that was lifetimes ago, even if at times it felt like just yesterday. She’d get to it eventually. 

“How so?” Yaz pulled the Doctor out of her thoughts. The Time Lord cleared her throat. 

“Oh, well, Time Lords were one of the most respected and feared species in the entire universe. Their pride was almost a plague. They would take Gallifreyan children into The Academy and train them to become Time Lords. It was more a life of duty than anything, I s’pose…” 

“And you? You called yourself a Time Lord, you must’ve gone to the academy, right?” The Doctor nodded. 

“I went by a different name back then, didn’t always go by The Doctor, y’know.” Yaz couldn’t help but smile. Of course, the Doctor was still full of mysteries. Before she could ask anything, the Doctor decided to share more. 

“I wasn’t exactly a top student. I guess I never really paid attention to rules and whatnot. And I’d always question my teachers. I annoyed them a lot.” Yaz chuckled. Thousands of years, and the Doctor’s curiosity and disregard for rules still lived on. 

“After a while, I stole the TARDIS and ran away with my granddaughter-”

“You’re what now?” The Doctor would have laughed at Yaz’s expression if it were any other day. One eyebrow raised, the other contorted in confusion, jaw dropped in pure disbelief. 

“I’m at least 2,000 years old, it would be more shocking if I didn’t have any grandchildren by now,” the Doctor pointed out. Yaz chuckled, her mind reeling under the sudden wave of information. But her laughter made the Doctor smile, even just slightly, and that alone warmed her heart once more. She may not know much about her past, but she understood her present well enough.

“I guess… you don’t exactly look like a grandma,” Yaz said while shaking her head in amusement. 

“Susan.” The Doctor sighed. It had been quite some time since she said that name. Never had the word even left those lips. “That was her name. She was so good to me…” The Doctor trailed off and looked back at the burning city. 

Yaz waited for the Doctor to reveal Susan’s fate, but nothing came. Not that she needed a verbal answer. She already knew that the Doctor had lost many people throughout her long life. 

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Yaz whispered. 

“Yeah,” was all the Doctor could mutter in response. 

“I know you don’t want to, but can you tell me about the Master?” Yaz had about a million questions about that man alone, but she couldn’t bombard the Doctor again. She’d have to ease into his story, egging the Doctor along. 

“Oh, Koschei… That was what they went by when we were younger,” she clarified with a weary sigh. “We met at the academy. Instant friendship. We were practically inseparable. Eight and ready to face the universe, side by side. We made a pact to see all the stars together,” The Doctor looked up to the sky, searching for the same stars that the two once dreamed of escaping to together. 

“When you’re in the Academy, to become a Time Lord, they take you to look into the Time Vortex when you’re eight. And it hurts. Well, it hurts for most people. For the Master, well… it became torture. The Time Lords implanted a drumming sound in their mind that stayed with them for who knows how long, maybe thousands of years. And it drove them mad.”

“Why did the Time Lords do that to them?” Yaz asked. The Doctor gave a dry laugh. 

“Oh, I’m getting there. So, over time, we grew apart and we both eventually left Gallifrey. We still would run into each other throughout time though. Usually, they were trying to take power over some people, and I’d have to get in their way.” The Doctor was almost smiling. 

“Remember the Daleks?” Yaz raised an eyebrow at the Doctor’s sudden shift in topic. “The perfect warrior race engineered just for that. I was sent to their home planet early in their history to destroy them, but it only set them back a few thousand years and made them aware that the Time Lords wanted their destruction. Their hatred for my kind only grew, and it eventually led to the most terrible war, fought throughout history. The Last Great Time War.” The Doctor shuddered. 

“It was terrible, and I ended it all. I-” A tear trickled down the Doctor’s cheek, and she wiped it away with a dirty sleeve. Yaz’s chest tightened as her heart broke. 

“I ended the Time War. I destroyed the Daleks… and the Time Lords. I destroyed Gallifrey, and time-locked the final moments of the war away from the rest of the universe.” The Doctor hung her head. Tentatively, Yaz placed a soft hand on her friend’s knee, just in the Doctor’s line of sight. 

“So what happened then?” Yaz asked, her words hanging in the air like an invitation. The Doctor smiled to herself. Yasmin Khan, always so clever, figuring out when things don’t quite add up. 

“I saved Gallifrey,” the Doctor smiled with a hint of pride. Yaz simply nodded. Of course, that’s what she did. It’s what the Doctor always does. 

“Unfortunately, it wasn’t a one-man job… more of a thirteen man job. I had worked with past and future versions of myself to hide Gallifrey into this pocket dimension, saving everyone here, leaving the Daleks to fire at each other. But in being with my future self, I couldn’t remember any of it. For hundreds of years, all I knew was that I destroyed Gallifrey, and was the last of the Time Lords. That is, until I found the Master, who had run away from the war instead of fighting, and hid at the end of the universe disguised as a human. Can’t blame them for running.

“When the Master came back, he conquered the Earth, and sort of turned everyone into them…” Yaz turned to the Doctor, face contorted in confusion and disbelief, making the Doctor chuckle once again. “S’pose it does sound weird when you’re just saying it all out. Well, you’ve got an entire planet of the Master, all with the same drumming in their heads. And the drumming - I told you I’d get to it - was from the Time Lords, who were locked in the final days of the Time War. They wanted to escape and to restore Gallifrey to the rest of the universe. They implanted this sound in the Master’s head and used it as a homing beacon of sorts. But they were dangerous, and I had to send them back. They turned their backs on the Master and were going to execute them, but I stopped them. They were then going to punish me, but in a split second, the Master decided to save my life and force them back into the war, joining them.

“I thought that the Master could change, I really did. And it almost worked too. We ran into each other once more, this time they were going by Missy, and the drumming was gone. They were still up to their same schemes, but they were also being my friend. They were sentenced to death at one point, and I vowed to guard their body for a thousand years, but I messed with their contraption. My vow said nothing about guarding a dead body, and I wasn’t going to let them die.” Yaz smiled. The Doctor’s goodness and ability to see the good in others always inspired her. 

“And besides, they promised they would let me teach them to be good. Even made good on that promise. Over time, I thought they were getting better, becoming more like the friend I fell in love with years before.” 

“You truly loved the Master, didn’t you,” Yaz sighed with a sad smile. The Doctor’s silence gave Yaz her answer. 

“A part of me always will,” The Doctor admitted. “But, I failed them. Seventy years of nothing but both of us working to make them a better person, and it all crumbled away in the blink of an eye. I grew to trust them again, and we went off together, finally starting to honor that old pact. But a past version of them showed up, and they went off. Hadn’t seen them since, not until…”

“Oh.” The realization and the name slipped out quicker than Yaz’s thoughts could catch up. 

“I thought I’d be able to get them to change, instead I get this.” The Doctor gestured at the ruined world around them. “It’s hopeless. I thought I was good enough, but I’m not. I’m not even that good. All these years I’ve lived, dragging people out of their lives just to watch them suffer, lose what they love, die…” The Doctor placed both hands on top of Yaz’s, which still rested on her knee. She turned to face her warm, brown eyes. 

“Yasmin Khan, there is something very important about me that you need to understand. I am, and have been, many, many things. But a good person is not one of them.” Yaz’s intense stare became too much, and the Doctor bowed her head to look at their hands. 

“I am not a good man.” A tear ran down her cheek and landed hot on her hands. With her free hand, Yaz wiped the Doctor’s face and cupped her cheek. The Doctor’s emerald eyes sparkled in the light of the suns. The Doctor had just shared so much, after all this time of hiding behind flimsy walls, and she finally understood why the Time Lord had been so keen on bottling everything up. Not anymore, however. Yaz was there, good or bad. 

The Doctor reached her hand over the young woman’s hand that cupped her cheek. She had been so scared of driving Yaz away, the thought hadn’t occurred to her that Yaz just might stay. The warmth in Yaz’s heart was something she wanted to protect. Yaz opened her arms, inviting her in. 

One simple act of kindness is sometimes all it takes to break down even the strongest of emotional walls, and the Doctor’s was never that sturdy. She leaned into Yaz’s hug, sobbing into her chest. For everyone she had lost. For everything she’d destroyed. For all the lives she couldn’t save. But also for no longer having to bear it completely alone.

Yaz rubbed small circles on the Doctor’s back, and the two sat there until the Doctor sobs faded to quiet sniffles. The young woman was lightheaded, still processing everything the Doctor revealed. She leaned her cheek on the Doctor’s head and closed her eyes. 

“I think you’re wrong, you know,” She murmured. The Doctor sniffed, pulling back from Yaz’s embrace. 

“Oh?” The Doctor replied, almost defensive. 

“About not being a good man. I mean, you’re also a woman now, so,” The Doctor’s lips pulled into a weak smile. Good. 

“My point is, I don’t think you’re a bad person at all. We all have pasts, and we all make mistakes. We all have our share of hurts, you more than anyone. But that doesn’t make you a bad person. I may not truly know who you have been, but I know who you are now. You’re curious and impulsive. You like creamed custards, and social cues fly right over your head. You can never resist a good mystery. But more importantly, you can’t resist helping people in need. You see the impossible, and you make it work. You save lives when people only see their ends, and you give people hope when they think none is left. If that’s not good, then I don’t know what is.” 

Yaz gasped at the light brush of the Doctor’s fingertips tracing her jaw. 

“Everything I just told you, and that’s still how you see me?” The Doctor’s eyes were brimming with tears, the corners crinkling into what Yaz knew to be a genuine smile. How she missed that smile with all the warmth of the sun. The Doctor’s hand fell onto her own, which she lifted over her shoulder so that they were huddled together once more. 

“I was so lost, you know. Everything felt so hopeless,” The Doctor whispered into Yaz’s shoulder. “Between losing the Master, Gallifrey being destroyed… Even with you lot, sometimes I feel like I have nothing left. Thanks for reminding me that I was wrong.” 

Yaz smiled down at the Doctor, huddled in her embrace. Her heart swelled. Looking up at the city once more, the Doctor’s words kept running through her head. Yes, everything about how alone she had felt and the weight on her friend’s shoulders, but one part of the Doctor’s confession was set apart in her mind. ‘Gallifrey being destroyed…’ Her eyes grew wide and she sat up straight when it finally hit her. 

“Being destroyed.” The Doctor tilted her head up, unsure of what was going through Yaz’s mind. 

“You said ‘being destroyed,’” Yaz clarified. “But maybe, just maybe, not everything’s destroyed yet. The city is still burning, it’s still there. Who knows what could have lasted?” 

“Oh no, no no no no…”

“Doctor-”

“Yaz, it’s pointless.”

“Well, what else are you gonna do? Just sit around here?” The Doctor bit her lip and pushed herself upright. 

“What if you’re wrong?”

“What if I’m right.” Yaz’s stubborn nature won in the end. 

“Well, it’s too dangerous for you.,” The Doctor scrambled, landing on a perfect excuse to not go. “I’d be able to go through there without a problem, but you’re nowhere near as strong as me. You’re just a human.” Yaz raised an eyebrow as a challenge.

“Oh don’t be offended, your human lungs are just so sensitive. I’m surprised you haven’t begun having trouble breathing.” Yaz inhaled, feeling the same tightness in her chest from earlier. 

“I’m fine,” she lied. The Doctor simply nodded. 

“It’s not like we can go to the TARDIS,” Yaz went on. “And you said the Time Lords were advanced, there could easily be technology they left behind that could help me.”

The Doctor furrowed her brow. But what choice did she have, really? Yaz was right, they couldn’t stay where they were. 

“I don’t like it,” The Doctor worried aloud, silently accepting the journey that lay ahead.

She pushed herself against the TARDIS and clamored to stand up, facing her friend. She brushed the dust off her hands on her coat and extended a hand to Yaz, who took it with a smile. Hand in hand, the pair looked off at Gallifrey. How many times the Doctor had stood in this exact spot, looking at this exact same view, she had lost count. But a small squeeze of her hand reminded the Doctor that this time was different. Maybe she was wrong, the Doctor reasoned. Maybe she wasn’t quite so alone after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure when I'll get the next chapter up. Once again, comments are always appreciated!


	4. Her Childhood, Her Home

The walk towards the burning city was laced with a quiet. The Time Lord was mentally exhausted, and the only thing keeping her from sinking to the ground was the quiet rhythm of their footsteps, carrying them ever closer to the heart of Gallifrey. The Doctor hung her head, only taking in the rust-colored dirt that lay fifteen seconds ahead. The human at her side looked at everything else. The red grasses rolling in the breeze, the sunset dancing through clouds of smoke, the glass of the city reflecting tiny slivers of light, the snow-capped mountains off in a distance. It was, completely and terrifyingly, breathtaking. 

Yaz’s body was starting to fight back. Her irritated and reddened eyes would sometimes cloud her vision. Though they were simply walking, she was practically panting. Her head would throb, and it took all of her will to fight back the waves of nausea. But she always held on to the Doctor, using her steady grip to stay centered. Their intertwined fingers were the only reason she even realized that the Doctor had suddenly stopped moving. 

“Doctor…?” Yaz asked as she turned back. The Doctor’s gaze was fixed on a demolished ground, the remnants of a building that was probably a cabin. A home. 

She carefully walked to the Doctor’s side, studying the woman’s features. Hands in her pockets and arms glued to her side, hunched over like a wilted flower. No tears ran down her cheeks. She was not snarling or frowning, no. The small crease in her forehead was flat. Her expression was completely blank. 

If there was one word to describe what the Doctor was feeling, it would most likely be empty. But that wasn’t even perfectly accurate. Empty doesn’t carry the same crushing weight that’s beating the Doctor’s soul. Maybe, once, the Doctor would have been able to fight against it, but she was old and tired, and just waiting for it all to end. 

“This used to be where I lived,” the Doctor eventually croaked out. Yaz was right. It was once a home. Her home. Yaz opened her mouth to say ‘I’m sorry’ but then she stopped. Those words wouldn’t have meant anything, and the young woman wasn’t even sure if there was anything she could say at all. She placed a light hand on the Doctor’s shoulder, and when she didn’t flinch, lightly rubbed her arm in a slow rhythm. 

The Doctor exhaled at Yaz’s soothing touch, letting out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. They stayed like this for as long as the Doctor needed in a wordless exchange. The Time Lord letting the human into her darkened world, the human quietly reminding the Time Lord, ‘I’m here.’

“We should head to the Citadel,” the Doctor muttered after some time, and the two simply carried on. 

The time of their procession to the Citadel blurred in Yaz’s mind. The pain in her chest only grew, and simply breathing became a chore. Before she realized, they were already walking into the smoldering structure. 

“I told you, wait outside,” the Doctor scolded, her voice rising with concern. A sudden wave of lightheadedness crashed over Yaz, who stumbled into the Doctor. Barely hanging onto her coat for balance, the young woman tried to clear her mind. She couldn’t remember the Doctor saying anything to her on their way. Or maybe she could?

“Yaz, what’s wrong, tell me-” 

“Doctor?” she muttered hoarsely, tilting her head up. “Sorry, dunno what happened there.” Yaz pulled herself upright, regaining her composure as if nothing was wrong at all. 

“You’re not okay.” 

“I’m not leaving you. Time Lord technology, right?” Yaz started coughing but waved a dismissing hand at the Doctor when she furrowed her eyebrows. The Doctor nodded, her concern for her friend growing with every second. Yaz will push herself no matter the cost and is far too stubborn to ever give up once she sets her mind to anything. A trait that was so valuable in many of their travels, but not on this one. 

They searched through the hundreds of hallways on every floor for anything useful. The Doctor could hear Yaz coughing behind her more and more with every passing minute. Every room. The Matrix, the looming chambers, even the high council room. Some of the greatest technological marvels in the entire universe lay right before them, somehow untouched by the carnage. Scientific wonders that would so easily be mistaken for magic throughout all of history. And yet there was nothing that could help Yaz. Nothing at all. 

The weight that had been dragging the Doctor for all these months finally won her over. All the universe, everything led her back to this wreck of a home, where she was completely helpless. She no longer fought it, there was no point. 

She stepped onto a balcony, resting all her weight on the rails. As a child, she longed for a chance to glimpse a view from this very spot. It looked over all of the Citadel, but the Doctor hadn’t cared. She longed for the view that lay beyond, the sunsets and the mountains and the sparkling silver trees, and the brightest stars that showered the night in light. The Doctor hung her head, seeing the wrecked buildings at her feet.

“Doc-” Yaz sputtered, interrupted by her own lungs. The Doctor looked back at the dying human. Yes, Yaz was dying. There was no point denying it. Everyone and everything ends eventually, and she’d have to clean up their remains. Unable to do anything to ease Yaz’s suffering, she shut her eyes and turned away. 

“I can’t help you,” the Doctor finally admitted.

“Oh- you, you’re giving up now, a- are you?” Yaz barely mustered through her coughing. She staggered into the wall, leaning her weight on it in an attempt to stay standing. 

“You were wrong about this place,” The Doctor explained. “And I should have known. Time Lords aren’t exactly known for their compassion… Why should they have anything to help anyone else?” The Doctor turned helplessly to her friend with nothing to give. Yaz’s legs gave out, and panic fueled instincts kicked in. The Doctor rushed to break her fall, barely saving the woman from hitting her head on the marble floor. She fell to her knees, holding Yaz’s body upright, giving the only support she could. 

“Please…” Yaz groaned, spasming in the Doctor’s arms as the coughing went on. 

“I’m sorry.” The sudden calm and acceptance in the Doctor sent shivers down her own spine. She wasn’t crying at all. No tears, no hope. The young human in her arms already looked like the ghost she would soon become: pale, weak, empty. 

Yaz grabbed the Doctor’s coat, pulling the Time Lord down to her face. Yaz’s reddened and bloodshot eyes hardened. 

“Then why,” she grunted, “why are you called…” her voice weakened, and the blonde barely heard her last whispered words before Yaz slipped away. 

“Why, Doctor?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm getting busy, so the next chapters are gonna come a bit slower from now on. Yes, I'm being evil. I haven't decided how evil I'm gonna be tho. smoke inhalation :)


	5. Never Give In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who can't focus on schoolwork and wrote more fanfiction instead. Whoops.

The blonde stared at the young woman’s dangling body in her arms. She wished there was anything that she could do to save her, but there wasn’t. In all of Gallifrey, nothing helpful remained. If they could get in the TARDIS, maybe Yaz had a chance, but they were locked out. Trapped. Left to die. She rested Yaz’s body on the floor and looked back at the view she once longed to see. 

“I guess this is it then… left to die, here. On Gallifrey.” She pressed her hands on her face, rubbing her itchy eyes. “I suppose that means no more Trenzalore…” 

‘Why ‘Doctor’?’ Yaz’s last question echoed in her mind. Why had she chosen that name, all those years ago? 

‘The word for healer and wise man throughout the universe…’ Her wife once said. She wasn’t either of those things, not anymore at least. 

‘You told me the name you chose was a promise. What was that promise?’ ‘Never cruel nor cowardly.’ ‘Never give up. Never give in.’ She didn’t remember responding to Clara’s question when she had almost destroyed Gallifrey that terrible day, only hearing the words come from her past lives. Oh how long ago it all was. The day she forgot. Using the Moment, destroying every single Dalek, and every single Time Lord. Every Gallifreyan too. 2.47 billion children, their lives stolen by war and by her. The time she was no longer the Doctor. But then, all of her lives came together and saved Gallifrey, bringing the war-torn planet to a bubble of safety. 

So much for that. 

“Why do I bother… There’s no winning, is there.” 

‘Winning? Is that what you think it’s about?’ The voice of her past floated in her mind. ‘I’m not trying to win…’

“I know I can’t win, life is a war that everyone loses.”

‘It’s not because it’s fun,’ her past voice continued. ‘God knows it’s not because it's easy. It’s not even because it works, because it hardly ever does.’

“It sure as Hell isn’t working now!”

‘I do what I do because it's right! Because it's decent! And above all, it's kind! It's just that. Just kind.’

The flood of memories knocked her back. His voice was almost that of a stranger’s, she was so far from the person he always strived to be. The Doctor was right, and yet it wasn’t enough. Not then with Koschei, not now with Yaz. 

‘You wait a moment, Doctor! Let's get it right. I've got a few things to say to you. Basic stuff first: never be cruel, never be cowardly, and never, ever eat pears! Remember, hate is always foolish, and love is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind... Laugh hard. Run fast. Be kind.’

The last words of her previous life. Oh how terribly she’d heeded them. 

“I’m sorry, I failed you.” The Doctor brushed some hair off from Yaz’s anguished face. “You, Yasmin Khan, and Koschei, and Clara, and River, and Bill, and Donna, and a million others. But also myself. I am so sorry, Doctor.”

She turned away from Yasmin Khan’s helpless body, her last patient as the Doctor. 

“Guess I need a new name.” 

What could she call herself? The Doctor wouldn’t do, not anymore. She wasn’t a warrior, there was no fight left in her. A witness, maybe. Yes. A witness. Silent and powerless, but always there.

A rattled breath escaped Yaz’s lips, barely louder than the wind playing with her hair. The Time Lord looked down at her friend. She was still hanging on. Barely alive, but still not dead. Her hearts were racing. Yasmin Khan, a woman so young and in love with life and the world, fighting clouds of smoke and a burning planet to stay alive. So much fight, and all for nothing.

No. 

She wasn’t going to let Yaz keep fighting for nothing. She’d be the Doctor, again and again, if only for people like Yaz. People who, despite seeing all the horrors the universe has to offer, revel in all that is good. People driven to help, driven by kindness and love, people like the person the Doctor always wanted to be. But first, the Doctor had a patient to tend to. 

“Yasmin Khan, I don’t know if you can hear me, but I’m so sorry for ever giving up on you. You keep hanging on, alright? The universe isn’t losing you yet, not while I’m still around.” The Doctor kissed her temple and scrambled to her feet. She looked down at her friend, scrunching her face as her mind raced through the entire planet, searching for anything she could do. 

“Okay, let’s get you out of this building, there’s nothing helpful in this building and you need better air to breathe, got it?” The Doctor looked down when Yaz didn’t respond. “Right…”

The Doctor placed Yaz’s back against a wall and lifted her upright as if she were simply leaning back. She crossed her arms, grabbed Yaz’s wrists, twisted around, and pulled Yaz’s body over her shoulders like a backpack. 

“Let’s get a shift on,” the Doctor announced, dragging herself and her friend into a hallway and down a wide staircase. “This would’ve been much easier if I weren’t so short! Oh well, if I die again I’ll try to get taller so I can properly carry you, eh?” The Doctor turned her head to see Yaz’s dark hair trailing over her arms. 

“But first we gotta bring you back,” she went on, continuing their trek. “If there were anything here that could work, we’d've found it in the Citadel, but there isn’t. The only things on this entire planet that could help a human are in the TARDIS… What if we could get in? It’s our only shot, right Yaz?”

Her friend’s silence was enough to spring the Doctor back into action. 

“We’re heading back to the TARDIS. And I don’t care that we’re locked out, it’s our only shot. I’ll- I’ll tear it apart if I have to, you just keep hanging on Yaz.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short one, but I had a lot of fun with it! Thanks again for all the comments. I know I won't be able to update for a while (like maybe a couple weeks), but I promise that the next chapters will come eventually. At least this is a slightly less cruel spot for a hiatus.


	6. Far-Flung Hopes and Improbable Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates will be irregular from here on out, sorry.

The Doctor hauled her friend across the rusted sands of her home planet for hours. Her normal chattiness faded away, replaced by heavy huffs of breath to fuel her strides. The last time she had walked away from a crumbling citadel like this was That Day. But this couldn’t be more different. The heaviness of that day was for the lives she would take. This time, it’s for her. For Yaz. For that beautiful stubborn human who refuses to give up on hope and on her. This was the least she could do in return.

The two suns faded away behind her, and the thick clouds of smoke overhead condensed into the clouds of an oncoming storm.

Rain. It rarely rained on Gallifrey. Rain has always been a bringer of many possibilities. Sure, Doctor’s trek was becoming that much more difficult, but it could also blow away the smoke that’s killing her friend.

“You could definitely use some of that fresh air, hopefully, it’ll buy us enough time.”

The first drops of relief splattered on the dust. The Doctor took a deep breath in, smelling a new freshness in the air that mixed with the acrid smoke. Rain, the bringer of new life, maybe bringing enough to save Yaz.

As the rain poured on, each step became harder than the last. The Doctor could barely see ahead through the blurry precipitation. Her wet hair dangled in front of her face, and her heavy clothes were determined to pull her down. Her skin stung, bones ached. But the Doctor pushed on. That’s who the Doctor is, that’s who she had to be if she wanted to… She cut short her own thoughts. She couldn’t let her nightmares get in the way.

At long last, the soaking Doctor could make out the faint outlines of her beloved TARDIS. One last glimmer of hope.

“Come on, my Ghost Monument, give me this one…”

The Doctor’s heavy trudging morphed into forceful clambering as she fought her way past the wind and rain and slippery gravel below her feet, clinging to the body that rested on her backside. She made it. But did it mean anything?

Readjusting her friend’s weight, the Doctor slowly reached for the TARDIS door. Lightly grazing the tips of her fingers, hovering over the painted wood. She inhaled and held the air in her lungs, and then applied the slightest amount of pressure, pushing the door in. Maybe, just maybe…

Stillness.

Every molecule of the door pushed back on the Doctor’s hands. She exhaled.

“GggrrrrrrRRRR!!!!”

One hopeless, useless bang against the damn stubborn door. The Doctor peered back at the human she’d been carrying the whole time, barely hanging on. She couldn’t give up. She’d destroy those doors if it meant saving Yaz. Her fight was not going to be in vain, not if the Doctor could help it. She helped her friend to lean on the TARDIS exterior, sheltered as much as possible from the bitter storm.

“Oh, you better open up. I’ll figure it out, somehow...”

Push? Pull? Both hands? Sonic? Pound? Kick? Scream?

She did everything possible. Nothing happened. She was heaving, eyes fixed on her blood on knuckles getting washed off her hands with the raging storm. By cold or by adrenaline, her body was trembling. The aching in her bones pulled her fists down. She couldn't keep going like this. Try as she might, she would never actually be able to tear down that door.

Beg?

“Please, please just let me in. Let me save her. You have to let me do at least that…” She gave one last fruitless push of those doors, wiping the tears and rain from her stinging eyes with a dirty wet sleeve.

“Oh, I-” The Doctor rested her forehead on the TARDIS door, closing her eyes because there was nothing left to see. The rain pattered on the wood.

“I’ve been an idiot, trying to shut them out. I thought it would be easier. Not getting too close, because everything ends and it always hurts. I was wrong, and I know you’ve been trying to get me to see that. Well, I see that now. Thanks to her… I’ve been so afraid of losing them or hurting them if they knew more, but I let her in and she stayed! For as long as she possibly could, she stayed. Always by my side. I don’t know what I did to deserve someone like her. I probably don't deserve her, anyways. She’s too good. I almost gave up on her. I should never have done that. But I can’t lose her, I- I can’t!”

The Doctor peered to her side, able to see Yaz’s legs sticking out in the rain.

“I don’t know how much more I can love and lose, it hurts… so much… Just let us in. I’m not ready for this to be over, we’ve only just started…”

The TARDIS chimed.

The Doctor jumped back in fright of the sudden noise. A heat boiled inside her, bursting to come out at any second.

“You’ve been listening, this whole time? Tell me, then. Why the BLOODY HELL ARE WE STILL STUCK OUT HERE?!?!” The Doctor was panting, barely able to gather enough breath to fuel her passion.

“Yaz is DYING, and every second you refuse to let us in brings her that much closer to death. If she dies I’m leaving you,” the Doctor threatened. The TARDIS was silent.

“It’s actually happening.” A part of her couldn’t bear to admit it and face the terrible truth. And to think that mere hours ago she was ready for it all to pass. “Yaz is going to die… and she’ll never know that I love her.”

Damn. The Doctor was an idiot. She leaned back against the TARDIS.

“I can’t fix this out here. I can’t do ANYTHING unless you let me in. So if you care for me at all, you’ll open that stupid door. OKAY? You have to help me save her, you have to help me be the Doctor agai- AHHHH!!”

She landed on her back as those doors finally flew open. Scrambling to her feet, she ran for the only thing that mattered at that moment. Yaz.

Her body lay out there in the pouring rain. If it weren’t for the ghastly rattling and the faintest outlines of hot breath, she’d be as good as dead. But those breaths lingered in the air. Light as a feather and as fleeting as life itself, but still there nonetheless. The Doctor grabbed the human by her shoulders and dragged her into the TARDIS.

“I got you, Yaz, just keep fighting, okay? Just stay with me.”

The Doctor peered around the corner and found a fully supplied medical bay simply waiting for them to occupy its space. But she was too pissed at the TARDIS to feel gratitude yet. Yaz wasn’t saved yet. She flung off her wet coat and got to work.

“Let’s get you up here… there you go. Alright, oxygen mask. Very important. Some of the greatest technological advancements in the universe are here to help you. Vitals…”

Luckily for the Doctor, she had prepared for something like this to happen. Every trip with her was fraught with danger, but especially for humans. Over the centuries, she’d curated the greatest medical equipment for humanity the universe has to offer. Not only could the bed warm up and adjust to the patient’s needs, but it could also read vital signs like heartbeat, blood pressure, scan the entire body, and even create multiple in-time mappings of the brain. It was not good at all.

“Okay then,” she said, trying to suppress the hint of panic in her voice. “First things first, we need to get you out of these clothes… sorry.”

It was an invasion of privacy beyond anything she could relate to. As guarded as she was regarding her body, she realized how humans see their bodies as personal and intimate in a way beyond how she ever would. The boots thudded on the floor as she yanked them off and peeled off the young woman’s socks. Next to go was her leather jacket, which the Doctor hung on a nearby coat hanger. That thing was probably beyond repair, but Yaz always loved that jacket. The Doctor found a drawer with a towel, a gown, and a pair of scissors to cut off the rest of the clothes that clung to her body. She tossed aside the cut-apart fabric and looked down at the frighteningly pale skin, covered in goosebumps and water.

“Again, I’m so sorry.” The Doctor grabbed the towel and dabbed her friend dry. Averting her gaze, she unhooked Yaz’s bra and flung it behind her, then quickly covered her body with the gown. She pulled off the young woman’s pants to dry her legs, and as her worry grew she no longer cared about any awkwardness in her actions. Anything for Yaz, she’d do anything at all if it meant the slightest hope of bringing Yaz back.

After fixing Yaz into what she hoped would be the most comfortable position, tidying up the room, setting up an IV drip, drying Yaz’s hair, testing her physical responses - no response - and studying her vitals, the Doctor took a deep breath. The technology at her hands was the best. She was capable. But a coma was a coma, and there wasn’t much left for her to do.

Yaz’s eyes were twitching under her eyelids in what the Doctor could only hope was a good dream. Knowing all that she’s put the poor woman through, probably not. And if the Doctor’s own nightmares were any indication of what might be running through her mind...

She brushed back some damp strands of hair from Yaz’s face. Her beautiful, brilliant Yaz. She placed a worried kiss on the young woman’s hairline.

“Please, just come back to me…” She rested her forehead against Yaz’s hair, breathing in the lingering smoke and familiar scent of coconut shampoo. “I can’t lose you. Stay with me.” Her whispered pleas did nothing.

She pulled up the chair to sit with Yaz. She clasped Yaz’s hand in hers, holding them to her lips. She had seen so many helpless people do this before. Holding the hands of the loved ones they might be losing as closely as possible. Almost like praying. Her leg bounced impatiently with chaotic restlessness. All the Doctor could do now was wait.

Oh, how she despised waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments are always appreciated! Thank you all for your support :D


	7. A MESSAGE TO THE READERS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't an update of the story, but PLEASE read.

Hello, readers. 

I want to start off by apologizing for taking down chapters just to repost them later on. I have found that posting updates has been driving an obsessive, unhealthy, need for validation. So when it doesn't come, I end up acting out. When I first started writing, I didn't realize just how much posting updates would be fueled by this. More importantly, I had no idea how difficult it would be to even tell whether readers are still reading. Because if a user liked chapter 1 and left kudos back then, unless they write comments later on, there is no way I can tell if they enjoyed chapter 7 (which was up shortly). And hit counts really don't mean much, we've all accidentally opened fics just to close them a second later without even reading a line. 

I'm not writing this story for you guys, I'm writing it because I love writing it. If no one reads on, I'll still write it until it's complete (and it almost is). I do the writing for me. But posting the updates has proven to be almost unhealthy for me. I was simply going to stop updating, but there's a chance that some people are still reading this fic (there are at least a dozen people subscribed!). If you are, please leave comments along the way, even if they're small and awkward. Because I don't see a point in uploading if no one is going to look at it. 

So, to any reader that is still reading this fic and wants to see the ending, PLEASE comment on this chapter so that I actually know there are people who care. If no one comments, I'll take it to mean that people aren't reading the story anymore and I'll just leave it up as is. I won't be offended if that is the case, I simply just want to know. 

Thanks,  
Chandler Oswin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little appreciation, is that too much to ask? I don't mean to be petty, but honestly.


	8. Be Sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, thank you all for the support yesterday! It meant a whole lot to me. Note to self: never post when in the middle of (what is most likely) an RSD episode ahahahaha. Also, I reached a major milestone - this is my first fic to reach 100 kudos!!! Oh, and some of what happens is directly from the show. I'm pretty sure that all of you have seen everything up to Fugitive of the Judoon since I tagged that, but I guess some spoilers for early season 12? With that, I hope you enjoy.

She woke up with a start. Where the hell was she? Her heart was racing. Bright lights blurred her vision and compounded the throbbing in her head. Her labored breathing only reminded her of the pain in her chest. A quick rub on her eyes and everything came pouring back…

Stealing away on the TARDIS, confronting the Doctor, seeing Gallifrey. Gallifrey, burning to ash before her eyes. Getting locked out of the TARDIS. Finally learning something about the Time Lord she’d known for months but never truly knew at all. Pleading with her to not give up on hope, going to the Citadel. Getting worse and hiding it, trying to hang on to her consciousness, scouring the city and finding nothing at all. The Doctor losing any last bit of hope, ready to let her go.

She remembered trying to ask one last question. As she took in her surroundings, the answer became clear.

“You didn’t give up on me,” she said with a soft smile, turning to the figure by her side. The Doctor sat hunched over with eyes fixed on the bed.

“Doctor?” But the woman didn’t respond.

“Hello? Can you hear me?” What’s happening? Yaz placed her hand on the Doctor’s shoulder but her fingers slipped through. Yaz stared at her empty hands.

“Am I... a ghost?” Yaz wanted to throw up. Slowly, she turned her head back to look where the Doctor pointed her gaze.

That was Yaz’s body. Pale and weak and covered in an oxygen mask and strapped to an IV.

“How can I be here? This can’t be happening, I can’t be dead…” A soft beeping caught her attention. A steady rhythm. A heartbeat. Her heartbeat. She was alive, but just barely.

Okay, so not a ghost. That’s good, right?

The artificial beeping of her heart slowed. Maybe it could sense her panicking in this phantom state. Yaz shrugged. But then the beeping slowed even more, and more until Yaz realized that eventually, it would simply fade away.

Yaz wasn’t sure what she expected to have happened. She was watching her body die before her own eyes, but she didn’t feel any different at all. What was probably most surprising was the Doctor.

The alien had no tears to shed. She simply let go of Yaz’s hand as its life drained away.

“I’m sorry,” she said with a sad smile, “you deserved so much better.”

Without any more of a goodbye, the woman simply got up, turned her back, and walked away. On to the next thing.

Yaz’s heart sank. Well, whatever it was that felt like her heart, seeing as she was… she couldn’t bear the thought.

Yaz pushed herself out of the bed, or sort of just stood up through the bed, and ran after the Doctor. If there was any chance that she could just get through to the woman, she’d take it.

“Hey, wait! Please say that you can hear me. Anything at all. Even just a sign…”

As she ran through the corridors, she found herself back on Orphan 55. In the underground tunnel, barely enough oxygen, finding that Russian sign. Why did it have to be that sign? This was her past, and also her future. So many had died that day, and there was no way to restore Earth to how it should’ve been. The Doctor had said there was hope, but really, was there? Yaz didn’t buy it. She didn’t even think the Doctor believed her own words. Empty promises.

Panting from running and adrenaline began to strain her chest, and she looked down at her wrist to find the familiar wrist-wear with a dangerously yellow light. Somehow, she’d have to calm down. Breath in, two, three; hold, two, three, four; exhale, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Repeat.

If there was any upside to her situation, it was that any physical damage from the smoke inhalation on Gallifrey wasn’t bothering her at all. What that meant exactly, she hadn’t the foggiest idea. But that was something she’d deal with later. That was, if she had any ‘later’ at all.

As they walked back to the rest of the group, Yaz was pulled into that cold and empty universe within the blink of an eye. She used to fight her growing need to sleep each night to avoid returning to that place in her nightmares. No escape, no chance of survival, no hope. She had thought she was dead. Now, she wasn’t sure whether to be grateful or terrified about being wrong.

They say that when you die, your entire life flashes before your eyes. No one ever said the rewind would only be of your worst memories.

Yaz shut her eyes and crossed her fingers behind her back like a little girl hoping that the ‘fun surprise’ her parents had brought home was the puppy she had been wanting for months. Yaz was nothing like that little girl. But what else could she do except follow some silly superstition?

Slowly opening her eyes, Yaz found herself in a dimly lit alien building, with the Doctor. The Doctor was younger: she could tell by the shorter hair and the sparkle in her eyes, even in the direst of times. That didn’t happen anymore. The cold metal of neural blockers had made her itchy. Neural blockers… Ranskoor Av Kolos. Well, at least it wasn’t a terrible memory. Sure, several planets including Earth almost got completely destroyed, but they stopped it from happening.

“This is Paltraki, I’m on my way,” Yaz heard a man say.

“Get the hostages back to your ship,” the Doctor ordered, then turned to face her. “Yaz, you go with him.”

“No, I’m with you,” she had said then. The words slipped out of her mouth. “Whatever happens.” Maybe ‘whatever happens’ wasn’t the best idea…

All of a sudden she was back on the TARDIS, Graham and Ryan at her side, the Doctor facing them by the console.

“Yaz, you wanted to come home,” the Doctor said in complete seriousness. Yaz knew what this was. After accidentally getting whisked away on adventures, the Doctor had finally returned them to their lives. But none of them wanted to let go of the Doctor, Yaz least of all.

“I know,” she replied, stepping towards the Doctor and joining the others. “I love my family, but they also drive me completely insane. I want more. More of the universe, more time with you.” Yaz saw the Doctor gulp slightly.

“You’re like the best person I’ve ever met.”

“You’re pretty awesome,” Ryan joined.

“You’re alright, I s’pose,” Graham said with a shrug. Yaz couldn’t help the small smile forming on her face. But the Doctor was still hesitant.

“I can’t guarantee that you’re gonna be safe,” she warned.

“We know,” Yaz said.

“Do ya? Really?” The Doctor walked towards them with worry all over her face. “‘Cause when I pull that lever I’m never quite sure what’s gonna happen.”

“That’s okay,” Ryan had replied.

“You’re not gonna come back as the same people that left here.” No wonder the Doctor had said this, she had probably lost dozens of people along her travels, many of whom probably started out just like them.

“That’s alright, I think that’s good,” Graham countered.

“Be sure. All of you. Be sure.”

Yaz, the first to have broken the following silence, nodded with a smile.

“Sure.”

“What about now, Yasmin Khan?” An unfamiliar, silky voice floated in the room. “Are you still sure?”

That was new. Yaz spun around to find the voice’s owner, a fancily dressed older woman with dark hair pulled back into a tight bun and a silvery coat. Looking over her shoulder, Yaz realized that the other three were gone. It was just Yaz and this woman now.

“Who are you? How do you know who I am?” Yaz asked. The woman smiled the eerie smile of a predator preparing to paw at its prey.

“You’re friend, the Doctor,” she snarled, slowly approaching Yaz, “she calls herself a Time Lord, no? Well then, let’s call me… a Dream Lord. Now, now, Yasmin Khan, you’re avoiding my question.”

The Dream Lord stopped in front of Yaz and tilted her chin up using a hooked finger.

“Are. You. Sure?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How many of you would have found a way to punch me if I had stuck with my original idea to call this chapter "Can You Hear Me?" Don't worry, I slapped myself pretty hard when I first thought of that. 
> 
> As always, comments are appreciated.


	9. Yasmin's Choice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much for focusing on school work... This chapter includes information revealed in "Can You Hear Me?" semi-spoiler alert for that. 
> 
> Also, this chapter got much longer than I intended lol

Yaz averted her eyes from the Dream Lord’s intense gaze. ‘Are you sure?’ The question lingered in her mind. All the memories she was reliving began to make sense. Moments of fear, pain, loss, and hopelessness, and moments of refusing to leave the Doctor’s side. Dream Lord was doing this to make her doubt the Doctor. And maybe she was succeeding. 

The Doctor didn’t really care about Yaz, did she? Even the good moments between them, the Doctor was being nice. Was she kind? Not really. The Doctor kept pushing Yaz and the others away, not just in recent months but in all their time together. The Doctor only opened up once about losing her family that first time they meant, but that was it. The only other time the Doctor opened up was when she was practically forced to. No other options, nowhere to go, living in her own worst nightmare. And even then, Yaz had just watched the alien give up on her. Twice. 

But these were also some of the worst days of The Doctor’s life. She literally lost her entire home planet, after just having saved it. Of course, she couldn’t expect anyone to be at their best under those circumstances. And the good times, they truly were good. A million times better than not being able to move forward in life, stuck friendless with an unfulfilling career and relatives that at times only made her feel worse about it all. 

“I see what you’re doing,” Yaz said through gritted teeth, “trying to make me doubt the Doctor. Well, it won’t work. I know there’s been bad, but there’s also been some truly amazing things. So yeah, I’m sure. I wouldn’t trade this for the world.” 

The Dream Lord stepped back and released Yaz’s chin. Yaz glared at the older woman, determined to hold onto her life. Yes. The Doctor was her life. Even if she meant nothing to the Doctor. 

“Well, how can you know?” The Dream Lord asked, circling Yaz. “You’ve barely lived a life without her, have you? You’re only what, twenty?” 

Yaz could only stay silent and try to keep a strong face. 

“Say, Yasmin Khan,” The Dream Lord continued, ignoring the way the human shuddered at hearing her name spoken with so much malice, “How did you meet the Doctor?”

The young woman couldn’t help but reminisce over that one wild day. Fed up with needing to manage parking disputes all day, she finally got to do something different. Somehow, she reunited with a childhood friend, and later that very same night this incredible woman crashed into her life. 

“Oh I see, work.” Yaz’s heart stopped. The Dream Lord could read her mind. 

“Now, what if we could change all that? What if, you were never there to begin with?” the Dream Lord grinned.

“You can’t just erase my entire existence!” Any mask that Yaz had, shielding her panic, washed away with hot redness and brimming tears. 

“Oh, that’s not the plan, sweetie.” The Dream Lord stood right in front of Yaz, practically pinning the woman to the console. “Tell me, what ever made you decide to be a police officer?” 

Don’t think about it. Think of anything else. Family? No, not that. The Doctor. All their adventures together, helping people around the world. Yes. That worked. Yaz could feel the Dream Lord manipulating her thoughts. Just focus on the Doctor. The Doctor and how much hope she brings to the universe, helping those in need all over. People like her…

The Dream Lord overpowered her, and soon she was reliving the day she was going to run away. A small moment of doubt made her stay in place for some time, and that was enough for a police officer to find her and talk her out of it. That woman who saved her life. 

“No matter. No need to speak.” The Dream Lord tapped Yaz’s forehead. 

Yaz blinked, squinting in the sudden bright light around her. She felt the warm rays of sun hit her skin and wind tangling her undone hair. She opened her eyes. Oh no. That road. That day. Four years ago, she decided to run away from her life. Someone had stopped her then, and it made all the difference. 

“No one’s coming this time around, sweetheart. So, how about you get a shift on, alright?” The Dream Lord was nowhere to be seen, and her voice floated as if only Yaz could hear it. She gave a wry chuckle. As if there were anyone else around. This time, she was alone. 

Or maybe the Dream Lord was simply messing with her mind. That had to be it. Yaz unwillingly stepped off the road and began to walk away. 

What was she doing? 

Stop. 

Why couldn’t she stop? 

Clenched jaws, gritted teeth, and curled fists did nothing to prevent Yaz’s feet from heading on this new path. She couldn’t do anything, no matter how hard she tried: she was trapped in her own body. A single tear ran down her cheek. 

A heavy hour passed, with Yaz trudging through hilly grasslands. She wanted to admire the precious way the sun lit up the colorful fields and the small humming life around her. But it reminded her of the way the Doctor had tucked a golden flower behind her ear that day he married her grandmother to her first husband after Yaz had only asked to visit once. Knowing everything she’d never get to have anymore became too much. 

“PLEASE, JUST STOP!” she screamed. She heard delighted laughter from the Dream Lord. 

“Oh, alright, I know how impatient you humans can be. I can skip this bit if you’d like. You’d like that, right?” Hearing that demeaning voice alone made Yaz feel so small. She never thought that the sound of another’s voice could make her feel that alone. 

In a blink, Yaz found herself in a dark and tarnished alley, huddled with a group of people about her own age. She looked up at their faces: none of them familiar, but their expressions recognizable. As if the weight of the world was on their shoulders and there was nothing they could do to hold it up. She’d seen that look on the Doctor all too much in recent months. 

The girl she was next to passed her a thermos half-filled with soup. Yaz took a sip and passed it to the next person, who did the same. They had each other’s backs, and no suffering in the world would destroy that bond. Yaz could feel the memory of a kind woman bringing them the thermos. ‘I have another one at home, take this,’ she’d said with a warm smile. So unlike the typical mournful pity or strict avoidance from most others. Wait. How did she know all this? 

Her memory was being rewritten. Times with the Doctor being replaced with whatever this new life was. The Doctor, Graham, and Ryan, flying through the universe in the TARDIS, slowly fading away. She couldn’t even remember what the letters in the word TARDIS stood for, but hopefully, that’s just because she never fully memorized them. She couldn’t be sure. 

The Dream Lord. Yaz had that much of her memory intact, at least. Yaz opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. Well, that’s probably a good thing, seeing as how most of these people would have probably called her insane for what she was trying to say. New strategy: telepathic communication. The Dream Lord can read her mind, right?

‘Why should I even want this?’ she thought, imagining the words as clearly as if they were spoken aloud. 

“Oh, you hadn’t noticed. How silly of me, I forget how unobservant you humans can be,” the Dream Lord laughed. “Look at your hands when you get the chance.”

Yaz tried to look down but her head couldn’t budge. Right. No control over her body. The more she’d try to hold on to her old life, the more of a prisoner she’d become in this one. She sighed. 

‘Goodbye, Doctor. I love you, but I have to let you go.’ 

As instructed, Yaz looked down at her hands. Her fingers were intertwined with the girl’s, who looked at her with a sad smile. 

“We’ll get through this, Yaz, we’ve got each other.”

“Thanks, Mira,” Yaz replied. Mira. The girl’s name was Mira. Even in the flickering street light, her emerald eyes shined in the night, and her blonde hair twinkled in the breeze. She’d lost her mother when she was young, and her father had kicked her out when she came out as bisexual. But even still, the young woman held a love of small miracles in life that never failed to inspire Yaz. The brunette gave in to the urge to pull Mira close and plant a soft kiss on her cheek. Something about that girl felt like home. 

The next several years went by very quickly for Yaz and Mira. Yaz found a job as a store clerk, and Mira finally earned her license to be a cab driver. She found so much thrill in going all over the city, meeting new people every day and helping them just a little bit with their lives. Yaz’s job wasn’t quite so fulfilling. But between them, they earned up enough money to rent a small flat together. Yaz found time to study to take her remaining GCSE’s since she was only a few months away from those exams when she left Sheffield what felt like over a lifetime ago. Yaz kept pushing for every promotion possible, and Mira earned extra tips as she built her reputation as a driver who could give the most interesting history lessons about anything you might pass by. Some regular passengers, learning more about her life, had taken to giving the couple their underutilized home supplies. In that way, the two built a small life together. 

One evening, the two were cuddled together with their old friends from The Dark Days. They were all in a better place now. Their evenings, once spent crowding around each other for warmth, were filled with laughter and smiles. 

“Of course, you’d know all about that Yaz, eh?”

“Yeah,” she replied instinctively, not quite sure what he said. Mira knew her too well, though, and mumbled in her ear as she placed a kiss on her hair. 

“You’ve got no clue what Greg just said, don’t you,” she teased quietly, and Yaz couldn’t hold back the smile spreading on her face. Not when Mira was grinning like an idiot.

“Aw, you two are just adorable,” Greg said. “I can’t believe you two’ve managed to stay together this whole time. Have you settled on a date?” 

Yaz looked down at the simple band on her finger she’d been quietly fidgeting with the whole conversation. It still felt odd on her hand, but it’d be something she’d get used to eventually. 

“Not yet,” Mira answered. “We’re thinking sometime next Autumn though, it should be lovely then.” 

“Yes, because all of England is known for its gorgeous weather,” someone sarcastically said, and the whole group laughed with her. 

“Oi! Someone’s never been to Peak District,” Mira replied, mocking taking offense. “Oh, I almost forgot, Mr. Dansley gave a pack o’ Cream Custards earlier, something about squeezing in a ride for his son to his football game. Lemme go get it real quick.” Mira shifted herself out of Yaz’s embrace. The sudden cold of her missing body forced Yaz to turn her attention to the group. 

These people in her life, Yaz knew they would always be there for her if she needed, and she’d be there for them. They’ve gone through Hell and back together. But sometimes she felt like there was something missing. There was a group of people in her mind that felt like family, and with them, she felt a deeper connection and sense of belonging, but she’d must’ve dreamt them up somehow. She could barely see their faces, let alone recall their names. And whatever connection that was there, it must’ve been fake. Nothing real ever lives up to fantasy. 

“You know what we should do? Play charades! That’d be fun, eh?” 

“Seriously, Matthew?” Greg replied. Yaz simply shrugged. She’d be down for anything. 

Mira came back with an opened pack in one hand, a Custard Cream in the other, and a full mouth. 

“Wha ‘ome?” She offered to Yaz, who chuckled at her fiance. There was something so familiar about her, and the Custard Creams…

Everything flooded back in her mind. The Doctor had excitedly torn open a pack of those same biscuits Graham had brought and began munching on one when she looked up at the group who stared back at her expectantly. Mouth still a bit full, she extended the box to Yaz and made the exact same offer. She’d become a police officer, and was working her way through training when that ridiculous alien crashed into her life. Hers, and Graham O’Brien’s, and Ryan Sinclair’s. The TARDIS. Time travel! They used to travel the stars… And all those lives they’d touch. The Doctor. How did she forget the Doctor? Then the bad stuff. Helplessness when there was someone they couldn’t save. The Master, the Kasaavin, that other universe. Orphan 55, Earth in ruins. Gallifrey in Ruins. And the Doctor carrying the weight of it all, and more. The Dream Lord. 

‘Where the HELL ARE YOU?’ Yaz thought, calling for the Dream Lord. ‘I remember now. I remember everything. Good, bad, and how you stole it all away.’ 

“Oh alright,” the Dream Lord replied. Yaz heard a loud snap, and all of a sudden they were back in the TARDIS. 

“Soooo,” the Dream Lord began with that all too demeaning cheerful tone, “how’s life?” Yaz froze. How the Hell could she give any sort of reply? The Dream Lord simply laughed. 

“Oh, Yasmin Khan,” she said, smirking at Yaz flinching in response. “You must admit, that life was much nicer than it may have seemed at first. All the pain of the past fades away. A loving relationship and a supportive group of friends, found in a time of darkness, slowly growing into a family. You are safe in that life. No watching people die, no getting abducted or seeing entire worlds in ruin. You would get to live your own life.”

“I don’t want that life,” Yaz insisted. “I want my life with the Doctor. Now more than ever. You thought I’d want stability? You don’t even know the first thing about me. For someone so psychic, you really have no idea why I decided to stay with the Doctor, do you.”

The Dream Lord was silent. A small part of Yaz’s heart swelled with pride. 

“So, even after all that, you still choose the Doctor.” Yaz nodded. The Dream Lord tensed up but took a deep breath and that sly smirk plastered her face once more. 

“Staying with the Doctor, it will be the death of you. Remember, you have that choice. I can send you back to relive this life with Mira. Of course, you will not have any memory of this, but you could live out your life with someone you love, who truly loves you back. Someone who actually wants you in their life. Unlike the Doctor. What makes you think she cares at all? You could live a happy life, Yasmin Khan. Wouldn’t that be nice?” Yaz simply laughed. 

“Mira? You mean, basically a human version of the Doctor?” Blonde hair, emerald eyes, rainbow shirts, encyclopedic knowledge, and a drive to help others as she explores the world throughout life. Everything she could love about Mira was double in the Doctor, and more. “No thanks, I prefer the real one.” 

“And you would prefer to die for the Doctor than live out your life?” 

“A marriage based on my love for someone else and fighting for every penny in a job I couldn’t care less about? That’s not the life I want. Not in the slightest. And I think you’re wrong about the Doctor. She does care. She cares a lot. If she didn’t, then why would she be hurting so much now? And sure, she’s got some walls up, but I get it now. She’s not perfect, and I don’t know everything about her, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love her. Living and dying with the Doctor… I’d take that over anything you could offer me.”

“Alright, then.” The Dream Lord stepped back in defeat. Yaz hadn’t expected the Dream Lord to actually give up, but she wasn’t complaining. She looked around for any changes in the TARDIS. Then, the sinking realization finally hit. 

“As you wish,” the Dream Lord finished with a malicious grin. It was the last thing Yaz saw as the world faded to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehe... Thoughts? 
> 
> On a very different note, if there are any inaccuracies about life in the UK, I am an American who literally has never been there, All my information is based solely on interactions with people who live there and the results of maybe fifteen minutes of research. 
> 
> As always, comments are appreciated.


	10. The Dream of a Normal Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're almost done here! Parts of this were literally so hard for me to write ahhhahahaha (after that episode, IDK how I managed to fix this up lol, not sure if I did a complete job at it, whoops)

She noticed three things. 

First: warmth. She felt a fulfilling sense of wholeness, complete and utter love. 

Second: gold. The color danced all around her. 

Third: music. It was a mournful melody, yet one so full of hope. 

Was this heaven? She wasn’t sure what heaven would be like. Or that she’d even get in. If it was, then she must’ve died. The Dream Lord won. Sad as it was, at least it was beautiful. 

And then she breathed.

Her heart raced as she shot upright, gasping for air. She couldn’t stop coughing and every muscle in her body was screaming at her. Her head hurt like Hell. Trembling, she let a pair of hands guide her body back against the bed. Something wet dripped onto her face. 

She saw the Doctor leaning over her on the bed, eyes brimming with tears and smiling in relief. 

“Hiya Yaz,” the Doctor choked out with a laugh, her eyes crinkling in that radiant smile of hers Yaz hadn’t seen in far too long. 

Yaz reached a heavy arm to cup the Doctor’s face. The Dream Lord was wrong: she didn’t give up on her. Then Yaz knew. The Doctor would never give up on her, not anymore. She smiled back, letting her arm fall to her side. 

As Yaz opened her mouth to speak, she felt the mask on her face keeping her jaw in place. The Doctor grabbed the pen and notepad that lay on the bed stand by her side. 

Yaz steadied her hand and tried to figure out what to write. She had so much she wanted to say! But she couldn’t focus at all, not with the incessant throbbing in her skull. She needed something for it. Pain meds, hopefully. 

‘Headache,’ she wrote, hoping the Doctor would get what she was asking, and flipped the pad around. 

“Sorry, Yaz,” the Doctor replied, placing a soft kiss on Yaz’s forehead. “There’s bound to be some meds for you in the cabinet here, I’m gonna go get you some water real quick.” She hurried away. 

Did the Doctor just kiss her? Yaz could feel the heat in her cheeks rising and her heart beating stronger. Yaz shook her head. The Doctor was taking pity on her, nothing more. 

She glanced down at the notepad in her hands. The next message, might as well write it before the Doctor gets back. What should it say? Yaz filtered through all the possibilities, then settled on a simple thank you. Knowing the Doctor, she’d end up saying something that’d prompt Yaz to write more. 

The Doctor came in with a glass of water, just as promised, and placed it in Yaz’s hand. Yaz tried not to think about how much she missed that brief moment of connection when the Doctor went to rummage through a cabinet in search of the promised medication. 

“Aha!” the Doctor quickly exclaimed and rushed over back to Yaz’s side. “Here ya go, that should help you feel better.” 

The Doctor carefully lifted the mask from Yaz’s face, then found the far less bulky oxygen tube for Yaz to breathe with. Yaz took the meds. Doctor’s orders. She laughed, bursting into a coughing fit. Yaz could see the Doctor’s worry. This wasn’t looking good for her. 

When the coughing subsided, the Doctor helped Yaz put the oxygen tubes in place. The rush of cold air slowly gave relief. Yaz tilted her head towards the notepad, which was laying on the bed between them. 

“Thank you for saving my life…” the Doctor read aloud. Yaz could see her almost smile, but then the Doctor looked away. “I almost didn’t...” she said, her confession barely a whisper. 

Yaz nodded. She remembered seeing the Doctor in that vision, walking away. 

“... back on Gallifrey, right after you collapsed...” Oh. So then, what did she see in her dream? Was it actually just a dream?

“I’d given up completely,” the Doctor continued, still not looking at Yaz. “I’d been losing hope for so long. You were restoring my faith, but then you were gone. At least I let myself think you were.” She was playing with the blanket at Yaz’s side. She was ashamed. 

Yaz reached for the Doctor’s arm and the Doctor was suddenly still. When the Doctor finally looked at her, Yaz could see the pleading in her eyes. 

“Can you ever forgive me?”

Yaz swallowed, ignoring the way her throat burned. The Doctor had lost hope and was asking for forgiveness. But even then, she had saved her life. Yaz slowly nodded at the Doctor. She’d always forgive her. 

The Doctor gave a weak smile in return. 

Yaz’s mind began to wander once more as the pain medication quickly kicked in. How did the Doctor manage to bring her back? Last she remembered, there was no hope for her. She grabbed the notepad, wrote ‘how?’ and drew an arrow pointing at the phrase ‘saving my life.’

“Oh, well I brought you to the TARDIS, forced my way in, and then set you up with the best medical technology in the entire universe! I have it here, just in case. But, you were in a coma, and all I could do was wait. And then you were dying… I wasn’t sure if it would work, I’ve never used it on a human before, not a complete human anyways, but I had to. I used regeneration energy to bring you back. Sorry if it didn’t work too well, guess I should’ve acted sooner…”

How was the Doctor still apologising? She had saved her life! If only Yaz could properly speak… But that’s not the Doctor’s fault. It can’t be. Yaz grabbed the Doctor’s hand, interlacing their fingers, and squeezed. She heard the Doctor sigh. 

“Not sure how much regeneration energy I used,” the Doctor went on. “Or how much I had left to begin with. Might cost me something in the future, or maybe I’m out of lives. Who knows, it doesn’t matter anyway.”

Yaz grabbed the pen, flipped back the page, and wrote down one word. 

“Why...” the Doctor read. “Why? How can I possibly care for some unknown life in the future when I barely have gotten to truly appreciate the one I have now? My life with you? I couldn’t lose you, not yet. You deserve so much better. You kept fighting for your life, and you remind me to keep fighting too. And I couldn’t let you go without you knowing that I love you.” 

They locked eyes. Yaz couldn’t believe it. A part of her worried that this was all just the Dream Lord messing with her head. But the Dream Lord could never see the Doctor the way Yaz saw her at that moment, and she knew this was actually happening. The Doctor loved Yaz too. 

But did the Doctor mean it like that? Yaz glanced back at the notepad. She’s an alien. This kind of stuff has always flown over her head, there’s no reason to think that this was any different-

The Doctor’s hands on her cheeks interrupted her rambling thoughts. Yaz looked up to find the Doctor’s face, mere inches from her own. She closed her eyes as their lips met, slowly moving in harmony. The Doctor’s lips grazed her skin as she rested their foreheads together. Yaz dared to open her eyes, how much she loved that smile. That soft smile that was always for her. 

“Love you too,” Yaz whispered, not caring about the tightness in her chest. She brushed back some strands of blonde hair from the Doctor’s silly, grinning face. Whatever her future had in store, she’d have the Doctor in her life, and that was enough. 

“You should get some rest, Love,” the Doctor said with a hint of sorrow as she sat back in her chair. Yaz felt her heart flutter at the new pet name. She never wanted to lose that feeling. Loving the Doctor would always be full of excitement, never a dull moment. She heard a cold cackling in the back of her mind and froze. The Dream Lord. She couldn’t go to sleep, not if there was a chance…

“Yaz, what’s wrong?” Yaz stared off into space. 

“Nightmares…” the Doctor said after a moment, answering her own question. “I’m so sorry Yaz. I’m probably the cause for too many of yours.” Yaz snapped out of her daze, shaking her head at the Doctor. She couldn’t let the Doctor feel guilty over her dreams. If they were just dreams. That was just a dream, right? The Doctor took Yaz’s hand and kissed her knuckles. 

“I’d normally say you can talk to me about this, but uh…” Yaz smiled. She would have laughed. 

“Here,” the Doctor said, placing the pen and notepad in Yaz’s lap. “Write it out if you’d like.” Yaz nodded and took a breath. Okay… how could she even write it all down? 

‘It felt so real,’ she wrote. The Doctor nodded. 

“Flashbacks?” The Doctor began running her fingers through Yaz’s hair, humming the same, soothing melody from earlier. Whatever the song was, it was almost as wonderful as the Doctor herself. Yaz began to journal her dreams. 

‘There was a woman there who forced me to live out my life without you. She made me forget you even existed at all. She called herself a Dream Lord, and she-’ Yaz put the pen down when she realized the Doctor’s hand had fallen. 

She slowly looked up at the Doctor’s face. The Doctor was terrified. Yaz had only seen the Doctor like this once before: when ‘O’ revealed himself to be the Master. So was the Dream Lord real after all? Yaz could see her face shift from shock to contorted with complete rage. Then, the Doctor stormed out of the room without a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That finale was... wow. So y'all can have a little Thasmin, as a treat
> 
> As always, comments are appreciated.


	11. My Dear Doctor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE FINAL CHAPTER!!! I can't believe I did this. I'm usually terrible at following through with project ideas, let alone something as big as a multichapter fic that's longer than Hamlet (I did a word count). Thank you so much to you all for all the support along the way. I hope you enjoy the ending.

Clambering echoed through the TARDIS. 

“Doct-” Yaz sputtered before erupting in another coughing fit. Splendid. A million questions and the complete inability to say a damn thing. Yaz pushed herself upright. She knew she was being reckless, but she had to find some answers. She hoisted herself on the IV stand, grabbing onto the bed as she lost her balance. The notepad! She placed it and the pencil on a flat part of the IV stand to take with her. Slow breathing, one step at a time. Just follow the sounds. 

“Where the hell are you?” The Doctor shouted from somewhere. 

Yaz pushed the IV drip in front of her as she inched her way into the TARDIS corridors. 

“Come on, I know you’re here somewhere,” the Doctor muttered over clanging metal and whirs and fizzing. Just follow the sounds.

“Gotcha!” The Doctor exclaimed. “Looks like we have ourselves a stowaway…”

The TARDIS whirred. Yaz was close, just a bit further and she’d be there. 

“Oi! Why’d you let this in again? You’re supposed to clean this up!” The TARDIS bleeped in response. 

“Don’t you dare. First, you lock us out, then this? How long has it been in here anyway?” 

Yaz peered around the corner and found the Doctor standing in the console room. She’d been scouring the console, everything was out of place. Scraps of metal were scattered around, wires stuck out, bits of buttons and handles were left on the floor. She looked up at the Doctor who was staring intently at something in her hand. It was small, blue, and shiny. Nothing surprised her anymore. She wasn't expecting something so small, but then again, she knew better than most that appearances could be deceiving. 

The Doctor walked over to the doors and pushed them open. It was still raining outside. She crushed whatever it was in her hand and blew it out into Gallifrey. She turned around and the doors shut behind her. 

The two locked eyes. 

“What are you doing here? You shouldn’t be up, Yaz.” The Doctor brushed her hands on her pants and walked over to Yaz. 

“Right… you want answers,” she said, answering her own question. She leaned back on the edge of the console and Yaz copied, unsure of how much longer she’d be able to stay upright on her feet. The Doctor was right, she shouldn’t be up. But she couldn’t just sit back and do nothing either. 

“Oh, where do I start,” the Doctor began. “Psychic pollen. That’s what that stuff I just blew out was… it got stuck here before, a long time ago. Long, long, time ago. A couple of lifetimes, really. Back then, I was traveling with a woman called Amy Pond and her then-fiance later husband Rory Williams. We fell into this dream state, and we were all sharing this dream. Well, it wasn’t quite so obvious right away. We were in one life, and then we’d all wake up in another. And then the Dream Lord came in. He said that one world was a dream, one was real life, and both had an impossible danger to face. It was up to us to figure out which was the real world. But neither were real, both just the same dream.”

Yaz turned her head to read the Doctor’s face, but all she saw was a curtain of blonde hair. She grabbed the pen and notepad, and when she finished writing her message, nudged the Doctor to get her to read it. 

“Ah, right… I never did explain who the Dream Lord was,” she said with a sigh. “It’s er… It’s me.” 

“WHA-” Yaz almost collapsed from all the coughing that ensued. She couldn’t stop shaking. She couldn’t breathe. The world started to blur a little. 

“Steady breaths,” she heard the Doctor say. They were seated on the floor, leaning against the console. She felt something brush her arm and looked over. It was the Doctor’s hand. 

“Erm, try not to speak now, right?” the Doctor said when her lungs finally calmed down. All Yaz could do was nod. 

No one said a word after that. They just sat there in silence as Yaz recovered. She was still shaking, less so than before but it didn’t seem to go away. She heard the rain pounding on the TARDIS outside. Strange, she’d never heard the outside world from the TARDIS before. 

“You deserve the truth,” the Doctor said, breaking their silence. Damn right she deserved it. 

“The pollen, what it does, is it takes the darkest sides of you and turns them against you. That created the Dream Lord, back with the Ponds and with you. And you were already unconscious so the Dream Lord targeted you. I am so sorry that you had to go through that alone.” 

Yaz’s heart sank. The darkest side of the Doctor, that what the Dream Lord was. All those games, the belittling, that deep hatred of the Doctor… Yaz shook her head. Maybe it would all go away, maybe this was still a dream. She looked up at the Doctor. Her eyes were shut, a single tear trickled down her cheek. No, this was real. 

What was she supposed to say? Tell the Doctor that it’s all okay? That it’s not her fault? That she understands? Because as much as she hated admitting it, those would all be lies. She practically died, and she still doesn’t even know half of it. The Doctor was still hiding things, or maybe there’s just too much to explain all at once. She needed that damn notepad. 

The Doctor handed it to her as if she was reading her mind. If the Doctor could read her mind, why did she even have to go through this process of writing everything down? Whatever. Just write. Her hands were still shaky, but as long as the message got across it didn’t matter. 

“Why were you awake…” the Doctor read aloud with a dry laugh. “These days, I don’t need sleep to face my worst nightmares.” 

Yaz hadn’t noticed the Doctor’s hand resting on her thigh until she pulled away, curling up like a small, lost child. So that’s who the Doctor is now. Beneath the adventures and the forced smiles and false sense of hope and wonder. She opened her hand, not wanting to startle her. When the Doctor glanced back, Yaz could see a ghost of a smile when she curled their fingers together. 

Staying like that, hand in hand with the Doctor, she could sit there with her forever. But she still had so many questions, so she grabbed the notepad and began writing away. ‘If the Dream Lord is your darkest side, then what about mine?’ 

The Doctor was silent. Yaz looked up and saw a soft smile grow on the Doctor’s face. 

“Oh, Yaz, you really don’t know, do ya.” The Doctor’s eyes met hers once more. “I choose my fam very, very, carefully. I don’t let just anyone travel by my side. You… oh, Yasmin Khan. So brilliant, and kind, and pure of heart. In all the time I’ve known you, not once have I ever suspected you to have any darkness inside. I’ve never been more right about anything, really, except about you, Love.”

Yaz looked down, unable to hide the smile tugging at her lips or the heat of her cheeks. The Doctor probably could tell how fast her heart was racing, too. The Doctor tilted her chin up like the Dream Lord had done but so much softer and kinder and infinitely more loving. They both leaned into a soft kiss, their fingers still curled together as the Doctor cradled Yaz’s head and Yaz grabbed her arm. The Doctor pulled back all too soon and rested their foreheads together. Probably for the best, given her condition. 

“Don’t you ever change, Yasmin Khan.” Yaz almost laughed. A several thousand-year-old regenerating alien, asking her to stay the same. As if that could ever happen. 

“Never change your heart,” The Doctor clarified, and Yaz smiled. That was something she could do. 

“I love you, Yaz,” she whispered. ‘I love you too,’ Yaz thought. If only the Doctor could read her mind. The Doctor planted a quick kiss on her cheek and stood up with a newfound sense of purpose.

“Let’s make sure that it’s all gone, shall we? We can’t have that happening again. And then you’ll rest up here, and we’ll get Graham and Ryan, and I’ll take care of you, and-” Yaz looked up as the Doctor cut herself off. 

“What’s this? Didn’t see that earlier...” The Doctor said, reaching into something Yaz couldn’t quite see. She had to get up. She placed the pen and notepad on the IV stand and pulled herself to her feet. Leaning against the console, she then saw what the Doctor had found. A note, and the Doctor was staring at it intently, frozen. She started to hyperventilate, gritting her teeth and clenching her fists. After a minute, one last breath and the Doctor was simply done. She looked up out at nowhere. 

Yaz kept looking between the Doctor’s unmoving face and the note. It was quite nice parchment, and she could see calligraphy with black ink. She reached out to place her hand on the Doctor’s shoulder in what she hoped would be an act of comfort, but then pulled it back. It wasn’t like she could help without knowing what was wrong. She grabbed the note in the Doctor’s hand instead. 

She pulled it back, but the Doctor refused to let go. Why did she have to be so stubborn? 

“Yaz, don’t.” the Doctor snapped. 

Why not? She wasn’t going to be left in the dark again. She wanted to be there for the Doctor, but the last few days made it very clear that that’s not possible when she doesn’t even know the half of everything weighing on her shoulders. 

“Please,” Yaz breathed. Let me in, Doctor. You don’t have to bear it all alone. I’m here for you, just let me in. 

“Okay,” the Doctor resigned, loosening her grip on the parchment. Yaz took the note in her hands and opened it up. Whatever it was, she knew it couldn't be good. But that still didn’t prepare her for how awful it actually was. No wonder the Doctor was nearly broken. 

_My Dear Doctor,_

_How long has it been? You have been ignoring me for centuries. I guess I have your attention now. I will assume that by the time you read this you will have figured out what I did. I know you expect some form of answers, but what fun would that be? This is nothing of the sort. I simply wanted to give you a farewell present. So, from the bottom of my hearts, sweet dreams!_

_Kisses,_  
_Your Best Enemy_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I wrote that note a few days before the finale actually aired. So when the Master actually said to the Doctor "sweet dreams!" and then blew her a kiss I MELTED. Anyways, never have I ever struggled so much to italicize lol. Initially, I had thoughts written in italics, and then I gave up on that formatting when I pasted the first chapter on this website. It still worked though. (I think...) On a related note, if someone knows how to indent here, please let me know. 
> 
> I have had a lot of fun with this, and hopefully, you all did too. As always, comments are appreciated. Thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of fun coming up with titles for this fic. All the titles come from the show itself! The fic title comes from the song "The Stowaway," which played in special "Voyage of the Damned." "Cracks in the Wall" is an allusion to the time cracks from season 5, "Words Win Nothing at All" is a reference to "Words Win Wars," which is the title of the track that plays in "The Pandorica Opens" when the Doctor gives that speech at Stonehedge. "Her Childhood, Her Home" refers to the soundtrack "This Is Gallifrey: Our Childhood, Our Home" that plays in the season 3 finale. "The Dream of a Normal Life" refers to the OST "The Dream of a Normal Death," mainly played in the "Human Nature"/"The Family of Blood" two-parter in season 3. The others are more obvious (but let me know if you want to know more!)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, for the kudos, the subscribes and bookmarks, and the comments along the way. I'm still quite new to the whole writing fanficiton, and you all have helped me stick to it so much.


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